Winter Blues

It’s winter. I look out my office window. The orange flag on top of the meditation hall is blowing forcefully. There is a lot of activity outside considering the weather is unappealing. Dark rainy and cold, it is the worstIMG_1355 winter I have seen here. Of course, it seems mild compared to Canadian winters where I trod through the snow freezing and felt cold even in down jackets. My dad used to drag us to the mountains. I wished that I liked to ski but I could never get used to the cold.

If I didn’t know better I would think I was melancholy. Well, maybe I am a little. But that is fine. I would rather feel melancholy than angry, or scared. I am at home in this space. It is familiar. I know that melancholy arises when I am brooding about the past. I only indulge for a while and then move on.

I don’t struggle anymore to change my state unless it is unbearable. That has happened a few times this past year. I experienced states of unhappiness that I thought I would never feel again. Life is full of surprises. And these past four years are testimony to that.

I have watched material things being torn away from me. Truly, I felt little grief at their loss. More painful was the shock I felt from the anger and hatred directed at me, and the ashram by former friends and students. My love for them seems to have gone unnoticed.

As I look back at my life I find it interesting that I have been hurt more brutally by women than men. The men in my life have hurt me in the usual way, but the women tried to destroy my life. How to talk about that? I probably can’t.  Suffice to say only that.

3 thoughts on “Winter Blues

  1. Interesting how thoughts and feelings are both real and not real if you don’t indulge and have the power to see the play of the vritties dancing on the mind’s playground. It takes viveka and vairagya. Or some such things.

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  2. It is always hardest to lose people rather than material objects, especially when cruel words are spoken. However, you are surrounded by many of us who hold you tenderly in our love for you.
    Astrologically this is a good time for inner reflection & to remember our many blessings, which I’m sure outweigh our hurts.
    Love always

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  3. Thank you for this post. I’m deeply moved by it. And encouraged by it. Yes, life is full of surprises. And love is a risky business but worth it for all that.

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